Stupid question time - thank you, come again...or don't. Yeah, that one.

Dear customers -

This is a coffee shop.  We sell coffee here.  We not sell French fries here.  

If you want to buy beer, there's a liquor store across the street. We do not sell cigarettes.  You can buy those at the liquor store, too.  No, I don't have one I can give you.  

If you want toilet paper, there's a drug store next to the liquor store. We don't sell it. Please don't steal it. 

We do not sell stamps.  the post office is two doors down.  No, I don't have any I can sell you.

We do not sell ice cream.  No, I can't make you a chocolate soda.  We really don't sell ice cream.  Asking the manager isn't going to make ice cream magically appear.  

And I'm not sure why you think we sell tennis balls, but please put on some pants.

Signed,
Your disgruntled barista(who is half tempted to ask you to buy her a fifth of Cuervo when you go across the street).