Dear customer -
Seriously, these returns are getting worse and worse. It's one thing when they're just fucking stupid. It's another when I require gloves to handle them.
This is the third cock pump you have returned in the past two weeks. This is the third cock pump you have broken in the past two weeks. I'm fairly confident that this isn't a testament to your virility. Otherwise, you'd have a place to stick your dick other than inside a plastic tube. Sir, I believe there is something wrong with your penis. Perhaps you went a little too far, and wound up with an end product resembling a hot dog that exploded in the microwave. I'm not sure what your problem is.
No, I'm not going to accept a return on this product. You returned it saturated in K-Y Jelly, and who know what other fluids. You don't have your receipt. You don't even have the original packaging - your cock pump is in a fucking plastic grocery bag. In addition to it being the third one you've tried to return, no, we're not doing that.
I love the fact that you threatened to write a letter to the local paper about this business, and not allowing you to return the product. I hope you know that, if you do, we will write a rebuttal, informing them just what you were returning, the condition in which it was being returned, and the fact that this is the third cock pump you have broken. I work in an adult bookstore. I have no shame. You're trying to maintain the image of a respectable citizen. I'm not afraid to fight dirty. Let's see who wins.
Next time you need a hole to insert your penis into, try an electrical socket.
Signed,
Your friendly local rubber dick saleswoman.
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