Any port in a (shit)storm.

Dear customers -

 I am still amazed by how many people seem to have problems using the bathroom like civilized human beings.  Yes, we run out of toilet paper from time to time.  Half the time, that's because some clown dick stole it.  We've been over this.  The logical thing to do in this situation would be to come to us and ask for more toilet paper.  We'll be more than happy to get it for you.  

Of course, some of you can't bring yourselves to talk to us about such delicate matters, because God forbid anyone know that you poop just like the rest of us.  You just drank four cups of coffee.  We all know that you poop.  Well, do you see that cabinet over the toilet?  Yeah.  That's where the toilet paper lives.

In any event, stop wiping your ass with the paper toilet seat covers.  If you insist on doing this, they are flushable.  They are designed for that.  We'd prefer not to find shitty toilet seat covers in the garbage, or even worse, scattered all over the fucking floor.  Really?  Seriously, do you do this at home, or does your mind devolve that much when forced to use a public restroom.  Cut that shit out.   I hope that toilet seat cover gives you a paper cut in a miserable place.


Signed,
Your disgruntled barista.

Porn Shop Sunday(Monday edition) - Yarn Boobs.

This was one of my porn shop regulars.  He requires his own post.

Dear Yarn Boobs -

Dude, seriously?  You're a train wreck.  If you want to cross dress, that's fine.  You're welcome to do this if you see fit.  But for fuck's sake, at least put a bit of effort into it.  How do I say this...remember how Mr. Garrison from South Park got a sex change?  Yeah, that's you.  The resemblance is uncanny.  You're a fucking cartoon character.

If you're going to go around wearing a bra stuffed with yarn, you might want to make sure the yarn is actually tucked into the bra.  You're not convincing anyway, but your cups runneth over...and not in that fun, sexy way.  It's just sad.  That, paired with the mini skirt and the stockings...I assume you're going for thigh highs.  Dude, those are surgical stockings.  Not the same thing.

And while we do appreciate your business, I could do without the comments.  We are all familiar with your affinity for grossly oversized butt plugs.  Don't ask me if I've ever used one, and don't inform me that you have one in right now.  I assume you're using one at the moment.  Otherwise, I don't know if you'd be here.  You might want to try shoving your head up your ass.  It's about the same size as that Anal Punisher that you're buying, and it's free.  I'm going to go ahead and say that it would be a perfect fit.

And please, for the love of all that's holy, after you come out of the booths, wash your hands before you start handling all the product.  I don't know where your hands of been...actually, that's not true.  I'm just in denial.

Signed,
Your friendly local rubber dick saleswoman.

Great moments in work history - The devil is in the details.

 Ah, my brief stint as a waitress.  There's three weeks of my life I'm never getting back.


And yes, I said "waitress".  I know the term now is "server", but I'd prefer to be known as a "waitress".  I don't care what anyone says - "server" sounds so much more demeaning.

Dear customers -

See the caption on the photo of the steamed vegetables in the menu?  See where it says "enlarged to show detail"?  Yeah.  It's enlarged to show detail.  I don't think cauliflower grows that large without genetic modification.  I don't think that would be something I'd care to eat, but that's just me.

  I don't know how many times I need to say this - you aren't entitled to free shit because you're fucking stupid.  You bitched to the manager enough that you got a second bowl of vegetables.  You don't get a free rack of ribs because you have no common sense.  Obviously, you are not a vegetarian, and you better not have any dietary issues if you're demanding free pork.  Why you're going to a fucking steakhouse for steamed vegetables is beyond me.

Signed,
Your disgruntled waitress.

Foaming at the mouth.

Dear customers -

Over the years, I've noticed quite a jump in the number of people with food allergies.  Gee whiz, I wonder how that happened.  I'm not even going to get started on that.  I'm just going to end up throwing things...again.

If you have a food allergy concern, feel free to let me know.  I'm not out to get you.  I'm willing to hold your hand and read you nutritional information so we can be sure there's nothing that's going to make your tummy sad.

However, you need to quit making shit up.  If you don't like foam on your latte, I will make it without foam.  It's a tremendous pain in the ass, and the milk never tastes as good if it isn't properly aerated, but I will make it without foam.  Don't tell me you're allergic to foam.  If you don't feel so hot after you consume your drink, maybe it has something to do with the eight shots of espresso and half gallon of milk you ingest on a daily basis.  Go home and take a nice dump.  I'm sure you'll feel better.

Signed,
Your disgruntled barista.

Get thee to McDonald's.

Dear customers -

I'm terribly sorry if the decaf coffee is too strong for your liking.  I didn't grow the beans.  I didn't roast the beans.  I didn't determine the coffee to water ratio used in brewing the coffee.  I just dumped it into the filter and hit "brew".


As I'm sure you may have noticed, this is a coffee shop, not a fast food joint.  We serve coffee here.  Real, honest-to-goodness coffee.  We do not carry Sanka.  We never have, and we never will.  Sanka is not coffee.  Thank you for asking.  I just died a little. 


Signed,
Your disgruntled barista.

Porn Shop Sunday Part II - Bicycle built for two...not so much.

Since the dawn of time, mankind has been devising new and horrific ways to destroy one another.  This may be a new addition to that list.

The fact that a device like this exists is bad enough.  The fact that it's meant for not one, but two orifices...no.  We're not doing that.

Porn Shop Sunday - Personal hygiene is a very dangerous thing.

Dear customers -

So you were getting sexy in our lovely jerk off booths.  That's just swell, and not in the slightest bit surprising.  I'm sitting here now trying to think of where I can go with this.  Those booths hold so many stories...and DNA samples.

I do appreciate the fact that, after a busy afternoon of anonymous hookups with married dudes, you might want to freshen up a bit.  I'm sure that, if I had a penis, I'd want it to be all bright and shiny before I snuggle it into some random guy's clownhole.  For washing your genitals, we all thank you, even if you are doing it in our bathroom sink.

As with washing any other body part, however, you may want to check the water temperature first.  I'm going to go ahead and say you may want to use something other than your dick for this purpose.  Getting scalded is never fun, especially in such a sensitive area.

And if you do happen to do this...no, we don't want to see your injuries.  Trust me.  We really don't.

Signed,
Your friendly local rubber dick saleswoman.

P.S. - If you were so inclined, this could make for on hell of a hilarious lawsuit.