This sums up everything.

Dear readers -

This...this is the holy grail of public restaurant etiquette.  At least, it's a pretty fucking accurate example of what I have to deal with on a daily basis.  Bonus porn shop points for the glory hole - 

You've been warned. 

Signed,
Your disgruntled barista.

Urine trouble...

Dear customers - specifically you men - 

Riddle me this - why can't you pee IN the toilet? I'm assuming you've had a penis you're entire life, though I know there are always exceptions. Seriously, it's a little stream of urine. The toilet bowl is, in relation, a fairly large target, and you're shooting from close range. Still, every fucking time I go to clean the bathroom, there's piss all over the floor, and all over the seat...really? Really? If you can't figure out how to use your penis properly, you shouldn't be allowed to have one.

Signed,
Your disgruntled barista.

Any port in a (shit)storm.

Dear customers -

 I am still amazed by how many people seem to have problems using the bathroom like civilized human beings.  Yes, we run out of toilet paper from time to time.  Half the time, that's because some clown dick stole it.  We've been over this.  The logical thing to do in this situation would be to come to us and ask for more toilet paper.  We'll be more than happy to get it for you.  

Of course, some of you can't bring yourselves to talk to us about such delicate matters, because God forbid anyone know that you poop just like the rest of us.  You just drank four cups of coffee.  We all know that you poop.  Well, do you see that cabinet over the toilet?  Yeah.  That's where the toilet paper lives.

In any event, stop wiping your ass with the paper toilet seat covers.  If you insist on doing this, they are flushable.  They are designed for that.  We'd prefer not to find shitty toilet seat covers in the garbage, or even worse, scattered all over the fucking floor.  Really?  Seriously, do you do this at home, or does your mind devolve that much when forced to use a public restroom.  Cut that shit out.   I hope that toilet seat cover gives you a paper cut in a miserable place.


Signed,
Your disgruntled barista.

Ode to Gertrude.

As I mentioned a while back, I will occasionally write a letter to a specific customer.  Of course, the names will be changed to protect the innocent...or in this case, the incontinent. 


This letter is to Gertrude.  Many years ago, she was one of my regular customers, and she was always...um...interesting.


Dear Gertrude -

 It's been quite some time since I've seen you.  My guess is that you aren't allowed to drive anymore.  Still, you've been in the back of my mind.  People like you are hard to forget.


I still recall one incident in particular.  You received your drink and your usual four brownies, and as per usual, headed over to the condiment bar to dump 47 packets of Equal into your americano.  As you did this, I noticed the dark spot slowly growing and creeping down the leg of your pants.  Anyone else would have been mortified, and would have taken the next logical step - get their ass home and change into clothes not soaked in urine.  But not you, Gertrude, not you.  No, you proceeded to sit down in the cafe to consume the beverage, as well as all four of the brownies.  I have to ask - do you realize that you were sitting there, basting in your own juices, for a good 45 minutes?  Somehow, I doubt it.  Please, please, please...invest in some Depends.  We'll all be so much happier for it.


On a final note - I know you told me about lapsing into a diabetic coma.  For some reason, you seemed completely surprised by this.  I may not have a medical degree, but those four brownies you'd eat on a daily basis?  My guess is those had something to do with it.  My diagnosis is a terminal case of stupid.


Signed,
Your disgruntled barista(who does not get paid nearly enough to clean up your bodily fluids).


P.S. - If you happen to run into that old lady who took a dump in our hallway, tell her to stop stealing the damn toilet seat covers.

The best part of waking up...

Dear customers -

 Please stop stealing supplies from the bathroom.  You're driving a Mercedes.  I saw it when you almost ran me over while I was taking out the garbage.  I think you can afford to purchase your own toilet paper.  If not, your $20 a day coffee addiction probably has something to do with that.  Having the ability to wipe your ass is slightly more important than espresso.  Yeah.  Just a little bit.  

As for the paper toilet seat covers, I'm not sure I want to know what you need those for.  Is your bathroom at home so disgusting that you require them?  Maybe you should try cleaning it.  Radical idea, I know.  I have those once in a while.


I know who you are.  I saw you and your handful of purloined toilet seat covers running for the door.  No surprise, this was immediately after I found the steaming pile of shit in the hallway by the bathrooms.  Now, I can't say that we've all taken a dump in public, but I can see how embarrassing it might be.  However, I would greatly appreciate it if you would either make an effort to clean up after yourself, or at the very least, inform one of the staff members so we can take care of it.  I'm not sure when leaving the pile of shit in the hallway for another customer to find seemed like the appropriate way to handle the situation.  I can assure you that walking into one's favorite local coffee shop and stepping in human fecal matter is not a good start to the day.


Signed,
Your disgruntled barista(who is ready to procure a hazmat suit).

Potty training - not just for children anymore.

Dear customers -

I don't know what you do in your bathrooms at home, and I probably don't want to.  This is a unisex bathroom.  Gentlemen - not only in this establishment, but all men, in all bathrooms, everywhere - can we please make an effort to urinate in the toilet?  Not on the floor, on the seat, or on the wall - in the actual toilet bowl.  I'm almost certain that you've had a penis your entire life.  If it's been this many years, and you still can't use it properly, I may have to take it away from you.


What I find even more repulsive - and slightly more unsettling - is the dirty diaper left on the changing table in the bathroom.  Really?  See the big black can next to the changing table?  That's where the garbage lives.  I know it's gross, but you found the intestinal fortitude to spawn the little bastard.  I think you can handle discarding a poopie diaper.

Signed,
Your disgruntled, thoroughly grossed-out barista. 


P.S. - While we're on the subject - as I just mentioned, there is a changing table in the restroom.  Please, for fuck's sake, stop using the tables in the cafe for this purpose.  I don't even know where to begin with that one.

The line starts here...not on the toilet paper dispenser.

Dear customers -

Please stop doing lines of coke in the bathroom. When I see three teenage boys heading into the single occupant bathroom at the same time, I know it's either for blow or blowjobs. You're emo kids - neither would surprise me. In any event, you're not as slick as you think you are.

Signed,
Your disgruntled(but not oblivious) barista.