Dear customers -
Parenting really does seem like a huge inconvenience at times, and sacrifices do need to be made. I'm sure it isn't always easy to find someone to watch your kid when you want to go out and have a life, and sometimes, you need to drag them along. However, there are certain places that, under no circumstances, one should not bring their children. The porn shop is somewhere near the top of that list. No, the kid isn't going to remember this experience. He's busy drooling all over himself and crapping his pants. I have adult customers that do this. Your kid would fit right in. Still, a two-year-old has no place here. That's not a pacifier your kid pulled off the shelf and started sucking on. It's a butt plug(or, as we like to call it, an assifier). You might want to save the money you're spending on porn for your child's therapy later in life. If this is any indication, he's going to need it.
Signed,
Your friendly local rubber dick saleswoman.
Showing posts with label porn Shop Sunday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label porn Shop Sunday. Show all posts
Monday, April 4, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Porn Shop Sunday(Monday edition) - Yarn Boobs.
This was one of my porn shop regulars. He requires his own post.
Dear Yarn Boobs -
Dude, seriously? You're a train wreck. If you want to cross dress, that's fine. You're welcome to do this if you see fit. But for fuck's sake, at least put a bit of effort into it. How do I say this...remember how Mr. Garrison from South Park got a sex change? Yeah, that's you. The resemblance is uncanny. You're a fucking cartoon character.
If you're going to go around wearing a bra stuffed with yarn, you might want to make sure the yarn is actually tucked into the bra. You're not convincing anyway, but your cups runneth over...and not in that fun, sexy way. It's just sad. That, paired with the mini skirt and the stockings...I assume you're going for thigh highs. Dude, those are surgical stockings. Not the same thing.
And while we do appreciate your business, I could do without the comments. We are all familiar with your affinity for grossly oversized butt plugs. Don't ask me if I've ever used one, and don't inform me that you have one in right now. I assume you're using one at the moment. Otherwise, I don't know if you'd be here. You might want to try shoving your head up your ass. It's about the same size as that Anal Punisher that you're buying, and it's free. I'm going to go ahead and say that it would be a perfect fit.
And please, for the love of all that's holy, after you come out of the booths, wash your hands before you start handling all the product. I don't know where your hands of been...actually, that's not true. I'm just in denial.
Signed,
Your friendly local rubber dick saleswoman.
Dear Yarn Boobs -
Dude, seriously? You're a train wreck. If you want to cross dress, that's fine. You're welcome to do this if you see fit. But for fuck's sake, at least put a bit of effort into it. How do I say this...remember how Mr. Garrison from South Park got a sex change? Yeah, that's you. The resemblance is uncanny. You're a fucking cartoon character.
If you're going to go around wearing a bra stuffed with yarn, you might want to make sure the yarn is actually tucked into the bra. You're not convincing anyway, but your cups runneth over...and not in that fun, sexy way. It's just sad. That, paired with the mini skirt and the stockings...I assume you're going for thigh highs. Dude, those are surgical stockings. Not the same thing.
And while we do appreciate your business, I could do without the comments. We are all familiar with your affinity for grossly oversized butt plugs. Don't ask me if I've ever used one, and don't inform me that you have one in right now. I assume you're using one at the moment. Otherwise, I don't know if you'd be here. You might want to try shoving your head up your ass. It's about the same size as that Anal Punisher that you're buying, and it's free. I'm going to go ahead and say that it would be a perfect fit.
And please, for the love of all that's holy, after you come out of the booths, wash your hands before you start handling all the product. I don't know where your hands of been...actually, that's not true. I'm just in denial.
Signed,
Your friendly local rubber dick saleswoman.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Porn Shop Sunday Part II - Bicycle built for two...not so much.
Since the dawn of time, mankind has been devising new and horrific ways to destroy one another. This may be a new addition to that list.
The fact that a device like this exists is bad enough. The fact that it's meant for not one, but two orifices...no. We're not doing that.
Porn Shop Sunday - Personal hygiene is a very dangerous thing.
Dear customers -
So you were getting sexy in our lovely jerk off booths. That's just swell, and not in the slightest bit surprising. I'm sitting here now trying to think of where I can go with this. Those booths hold so many stories...and DNA samples.
I do appreciate the fact that, after a busy afternoon of anonymous hookups with married dudes, you might want to freshen up a bit. I'm sure that, if I had a penis, I'd want it to be all bright and shiny before I snuggle it into some random guy's clownhole. For washing your genitals, we all thank you, even if you are doing it in our bathroom sink.
As with washing any other body part, however, you may want to check the water temperature first. I'm going to go ahead and say you may want to use something other than your dick for this purpose. Getting scalded is never fun, especially in such a sensitive area.
And if you do happen to do this...no, we don't want to see your injuries. Trust me. We really don't.
Signed,
Your friendly local rubber dick saleswoman.
P.S. - If you were so inclined, this could make for on hell of a hilarious lawsuit.
So you were getting sexy in our lovely jerk off booths. That's just swell, and not in the slightest bit surprising. I'm sitting here now trying to think of where I can go with this. Those booths hold so many stories...and DNA samples.
I do appreciate the fact that, after a busy afternoon of anonymous hookups with married dudes, you might want to freshen up a bit. I'm sure that, if I had a penis, I'd want it to be all bright and shiny before I snuggle it into some random guy's clownhole. For washing your genitals, we all thank you, even if you are doing it in our bathroom sink.
As with washing any other body part, however, you may want to check the water temperature first. I'm going to go ahead and say you may want to use something other than your dick for this purpose. Getting scalded is never fun, especially in such a sensitive area.
And if you do happen to do this...no, we don't want to see your injuries. Trust me. We really don't.
Signed,
Your friendly local rubber dick saleswoman.
P.S. - If you were so inclined, this could make for on hell of a hilarious lawsuit.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Porn Shop Sunday - Don't be a dick.
Sorry it's been a bit since my last post - life does tend to get in the way sometimes. Life and Cuervo. Anyway, it's time once again for Porn Shop Sunday -
Dear customers -
I am well aware that human sexuality is at the heart of this business. That, and well, finding things to cram into your orifice of choice. I do take an interest in my job, and I do have an interest in sex. I'm not trying to deny that.
This does not, however, mean that I have any desire whatsoever to see your penis. I am surrounded by dicks all fucking day. Quite frankly, I'm a little tired of looking at them. Most, if not all, of the dicks I see on a daily basis are far more impressive than yours.
By the way, did it occur to you that, although this is an adult bookstore, you're still out in public exposing yourself to a complete stranger. I could call the cops, but I won't, because you're such a sad little man. So please, do us both a favor and keep it in your pants. There's plenty of things for me to laugh at around here without having to deal with your tiny penis.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish covering up the naughty bits on the DVD covers with price tags. Why? Because it amuses me.
Signed,
Your friendly local rubber dick saleswoman.
Dear customers -
I am well aware that human sexuality is at the heart of this business. That, and well, finding things to cram into your orifice of choice. I do take an interest in my job, and I do have an interest in sex. I'm not trying to deny that.
This does not, however, mean that I have any desire whatsoever to see your penis. I am surrounded by dicks all fucking day. Quite frankly, I'm a little tired of looking at them. Most, if not all, of the dicks I see on a daily basis are far more impressive than yours.
By the way, did it occur to you that, although this is an adult bookstore, you're still out in public exposing yourself to a complete stranger. I could call the cops, but I won't, because you're such a sad little man. So please, do us both a favor and keep it in your pants. There's plenty of things for me to laugh at around here without having to deal with your tiny penis.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish covering up the naughty bits on the DVD covers with price tags. Why? Because it amuses me.
Signed,
Your friendly local rubber dick saleswoman.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Porn Shop Sunday - Cock pumps!
Dear customer -
Seriously, these returns are getting worse and worse. It's one thing when they're just fucking stupid. It's another when I require gloves to handle them.
This is the third cock pump you have returned in the past two weeks. This is the third cock pump you have broken in the past two weeks. I'm fairly confident that this isn't a testament to your virility. Otherwise, you'd have a place to stick your dick other than inside a plastic tube. Sir, I believe there is something wrong with your penis. Perhaps you went a little too far, and wound up with an end product resembling a hot dog that exploded in the microwave. I'm not sure what your problem is.
No, I'm not going to accept a return on this product. You returned it saturated in K-Y Jelly, and who know what other fluids. You don't have your receipt. You don't even have the original packaging - your cock pump is in a fucking plastic grocery bag. In addition to it being the third one you've tried to return, no, we're not doing that.
I love the fact that you threatened to write a letter to the local paper about this business, and not allowing you to return the product. I hope you know that, if you do, we will write a rebuttal, informing them just what you were returning, the condition in which it was being returned, and the fact that this is the third cock pump you have broken. I work in an adult bookstore. I have no shame. You're trying to maintain the image of a respectable citizen. I'm not afraid to fight dirty. Let's see who wins.
Next time you need a hole to insert your penis into, try an electrical socket.
Signed,
Your friendly local rubber dick saleswoman.
Seriously, these returns are getting worse and worse. It's one thing when they're just fucking stupid. It's another when I require gloves to handle them.
This is the third cock pump you have returned in the past two weeks. This is the third cock pump you have broken in the past two weeks. I'm fairly confident that this isn't a testament to your virility. Otherwise, you'd have a place to stick your dick other than inside a plastic tube. Sir, I believe there is something wrong with your penis. Perhaps you went a little too far, and wound up with an end product resembling a hot dog that exploded in the microwave. I'm not sure what your problem is.
No, I'm not going to accept a return on this product. You returned it saturated in K-Y Jelly, and who know what other fluids. You don't have your receipt. You don't even have the original packaging - your cock pump is in a fucking plastic grocery bag. In addition to it being the third one you've tried to return, no, we're not doing that.
I love the fact that you threatened to write a letter to the local paper about this business, and not allowing you to return the product. I hope you know that, if you do, we will write a rebuttal, informing them just what you were returning, the condition in which it was being returned, and the fact that this is the third cock pump you have broken. I work in an adult bookstore. I have no shame. You're trying to maintain the image of a respectable citizen. I'm not afraid to fight dirty. Let's see who wins.
Next time you need a hole to insert your penis into, try an electrical socket.
Signed,
Your friendly local rubber dick saleswoman.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Porn Shop Sunday - Technology's bitch.
Dear customers -
Returns, people! Why is this concept so fucking difficult?
You purchased a DVD from us, like you do every two or three days. You told us it doesn't play in your DVD player, like you do every two or three days. There's just a couple problems with this. First off, we tried it on three different DVD players here at the porn shop, and it plays just fine, just like all the other movies you returned, or attempted to return. Second, you already told us that it plays just fine on your machine at home. The problem, you say? It doesn't play on the DVD player in your car. Did it occur to you that it might be that particular machine? It's not like it's a factory installed player. I've seen your car. You drive a Geo Metro. A fucking Geo Metro, for fuck's sake. Chances are, you have a portable DVD player plugged into your cigarette lighter. Chances are, you bought it for $20 at Big Lots. Not exactly a quality product.
So yes, you can watch "White Jocks and Monster Cocks" or "Granny Gang Bang" or whatever the fuck you've been buying. It works. the problem...yeah, I'm pretty sure the problem is you, clown dick. My guess is that the problem involves you going home, burning the DVDs, and attempting to return them. We're all very disappointed in you. Here's a fun idea for you - go home and disappoint your wife. I know you can manage that.
Signed,
Your friendly local rubber dick saleswoman.
Returns, people! Why is this concept so fucking difficult?
You purchased a DVD from us, like you do every two or three days. You told us it doesn't play in your DVD player, like you do every two or three days. There's just a couple problems with this. First off, we tried it on three different DVD players here at the porn shop, and it plays just fine, just like all the other movies you returned, or attempted to return. Second, you already told us that it plays just fine on your machine at home. The problem, you say? It doesn't play on the DVD player in your car. Did it occur to you that it might be that particular machine? It's not like it's a factory installed player. I've seen your car. You drive a Geo Metro. A fucking Geo Metro, for fuck's sake. Chances are, you have a portable DVD player plugged into your cigarette lighter. Chances are, you bought it for $20 at Big Lots. Not exactly a quality product.
So yes, you can watch "White Jocks and Monster Cocks" or "Granny Gang Bang" or whatever the fuck you've been buying. It works. the problem...yeah, I'm pretty sure the problem is you, clown dick. My guess is that the problem involves you going home, burning the DVDs, and attempting to return them. We're all very disappointed in you. Here's a fun idea for you - go home and disappoint your wife. I know you can manage that.
Signed,
Your friendly local rubber dick saleswoman.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Porn Shop Sunday - look at the package. And the package on it.
One of my previous jobs was in an adult bookstore. With all the stories this job provided me, it warrants its own special day(with the emphasis on "special"). Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you - Porn Shop Sunday!
Dear customers -
This really, really isn't the kind of business in which we can accept returns. Naturally, we can take returns on defective products, such as vibrators that begin to smoke during use.
However, "This isn't what I thought it was" is not an acceptable reason to return a product. I was working when you purchased the product. You came in with your hat pulled down, asked me where we kept the blow-up dolls, and grabbed the first one off the shelf without so much as looking at the package.
In this case, had you taken the time to read the package, you would have discovered that your Mystery Date for the evening was none other than the Foxy Angel Transsexual Love Doll. See the dick in the photo? Yeah, the doll has one of those. Next time, you may want to check and see if your doll has a penis before you blow it up.
Signed,
Your friendly local rubber dick saleswoman.
Dear customers -
This really, really isn't the kind of business in which we can accept returns. Naturally, we can take returns on defective products, such as vibrators that begin to smoke during use.
However, "This isn't what I thought it was" is not an acceptable reason to return a product. I was working when you purchased the product. You came in with your hat pulled down, asked me where we kept the blow-up dolls, and grabbed the first one off the shelf without so much as looking at the package.
In this case, had you taken the time to read the package, you would have discovered that your Mystery Date for the evening was none other than the Foxy Angel Transsexual Love Doll. See the dick in the photo? Yeah, the doll has one of those. Next time, you may want to check and see if your doll has a penis before you blow it up.
Signed,
Your friendly local rubber dick saleswoman.
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