Foaming at the mouth.

Dear customers -

Over the years, I've noticed quite a jump in the number of people with food allergies.  Gee whiz, I wonder how that happened.  I'm not even going to get started on that.  I'm just going to end up throwing things...again.

If you have a food allergy concern, feel free to let me know.  I'm not out to get you.  I'm willing to hold your hand and read you nutritional information so we can be sure there's nothing that's going to make your tummy sad.

However, you need to quit making shit up.  If you don't like foam on your latte, I will make it without foam.  It's a tremendous pain in the ass, and the milk never tastes as good if it isn't properly aerated, but I will make it without foam.  Don't tell me you're allergic to foam.  If you don't feel so hot after you consume your drink, maybe it has something to do with the eight shots of espresso and half gallon of milk you ingest on a daily basis.  Go home and take a nice dump.  I'm sure you'll feel better.

Signed,
Your disgruntled barista.

Get thee to McDonald's.

Dear customers -

I'm terribly sorry if the decaf coffee is too strong for your liking.  I didn't grow the beans.  I didn't roast the beans.  I didn't determine the coffee to water ratio used in brewing the coffee.  I just dumped it into the filter and hit "brew".


As I'm sure you may have noticed, this is a coffee shop, not a fast food joint.  We serve coffee here.  Real, honest-to-goodness coffee.  We do not carry Sanka.  We never have, and we never will.  Sanka is not coffee.  Thank you for asking.  I just died a little. 


Signed,
Your disgruntled barista.

Hefty, Hefty, Hefty! Dumbass, Dumbass, Dumbass!

Dear customers -

If you want room for milk in your coffee, please let me know.  If there's something(legitimately) wrong with your beverage, bring it back to me, and I'll make you a new one.  I'm not sure exactly what plane of reality you happen to live on, but by no means is pouring scalding hot coffee into a plastic garbage bag a good idea.  You probably didn't think this far ahead, but if you fill the garbage bag with liquids, particularly hot ones, it's going to leak.  Then, I get to clean out the garbage can.  Again.  I wasn't annoyed enough by the nimrod disposing of their trash when there's no bag in the can.  

In addition to this, I'm more than likely going to end up covered in coffee and sour milk when I take out the garbage.  You just made my day so much better.  I hope you've got the Mercedes parked(probably parked like an asshole) next to the dumpster.  There's a good sporting chance that bag is going to blow out while I'm attempting to hammer throw it into the dumpster - which is necessary, considering it's bloated with all the beverages that were discarded throughout the course of the morning, and probably weighs almost as much as I do.  When this happens, your car is going to be covered in skanky garbage water.  Don't come bitching to me.  You're the one that threw the hot coffee into the plastic garbage bag.  You bought it on yourself.  Now you know how I feel at the end of the day.  Of course, the coffee washes off.  The shame...not so much.

Signed,
Your disgruntled barista.

You say "tomato", and I say "fuck you".

Dear customers -

 There is absolutely no difference between "nonfat" milk and "skim" milk.  No fucking difference whatsoever.  I don't know what you call it at home.  I don't care.  As long as I can figure out what the fuck you're asking me for, we're good.  I am not going to make your drink again because you're clueless.  


While we're at it, I don't care what color the cap on your milk at home is.  It says "nonfat milk" on the jug.  Last I checked, that means it's nonfat milk.  Or skim milk.  Whichever you prefer, because they're the same fucking thing.


Signed,
Your disgruntled barista.

One day(and cup) at a time.

Dear customers -

I appreciate that you are visiting our establishment to purchase your coffee beans.  However, is it really fucking necessary to buy a quarter pound at a time?  A quarter of a pound.  How far is that going to get you?  Obviously, not very, considering that we see you two or three times a week.

You know, there are ways to store that coffee so that it stays fresh.  On top of that, it's going to be less expensive in the long run if you buy the full pound.  It's also going to save you a couple of trips a week, and it's less time that we have to screw around with your quarter pound of coffee while there's 15 people on line behind you.  But, if you insist, you're more than welcome to buy a quarter pound at a time.  Good job, dumbass.  See you in two days.


Signed,
Your disgruntled barista.

That's not a maternal glow. You're hopped up on espresso.

Dear customers -

I am all too aware of the influx of pregnant women that have been coming in as of late.  When the shopping center across the street has no less than three overpriced maternity clothing boutiques, a lactation clinic, and a restaurant that for some reason serves sushi and hamburgers, that's going to happen.


There's always new studies coming out regarding pregnant women and caffeine - some say to cut it out all together; others say that it's okay in moderation.  I've never been pregnant.  I have no desire to get pregnant.  This information is of little use to me.

However, if you are obviously pregnant, I'm more than likely going to ask if you would like your beverage decaffeinated.  I don't know for sure as to whether or not you can have caffeine, and I'd rather be safe than sorry.  Your response should be either "yes" or "no".  Rolling your eyes and informing me that your doctor says you can have caffeine - not an appropriate response.

And yes, maybe your doctor did tell you that caffeine is okay.  I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure you weren't told that four shots of espresso every morning is they way to go.  I'm sure your child is going to grow up to be an annoying little fucker, and run around my store breaking shit while you yap on your cell phone.  I'm sure your caffeine intake isn't the only factor at work, but that quantity really can't be good for your unborn child.  Yeah, your ass is getting decaf.  You really need your coffee that badly?  Maybe that should have been a consideration before you got knocked up.  Hopefully, you were at least able to give up the booze.  Go have fun whining about your stretch marks.

Signed,
Your disgruntled barista.

Why can't baristas teach their clients how to speak?

Dear customers -

 The beverage is known as a "caramel macchiato".  It is not a "caramel match-iato", a "caramel Macchio", nor a "caramel machismo".  You've been ordering the same drink for ten years now, and you've heard us properly pronounce it for ten years.  I'm not sure it's possible to be that oblivious.  Calling it a "caramel mariachi", a "caramel Maui Wowie", or a "caramel mecca-lecca-hi-mecca-hiney-ho" - we don't care what you think, it's not cute.  You sound like a blithering idiot.

Signed,
Your disgruntled barista.

P.S. - While we're at it, it's a "chai tea latte"...not a "tai chi latte".

You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.

Dear customers -

Please stop getting pissy with me when I don't remember your drink off the top of my head. I probably make a couple hundred drinks a day - at least, it feels that way. While I do remember a great deal of them, I don't have the superhuman ability to recall every single one.  Your iced coffee really doesn't stand out in my head.

Typically, if I do remember your beverage, it's for one of two reasons - either you're one of my regular customers who has the decency to treat me like a human being, or you're such a fucking clown dick that I make absolutely certain to memorize your order.  That way, I never have to talk to you again.  I can simply make your drink and move on with my life, instead of listening to you whining how there isn't enough decaf in your drink. You ordered half-caf.  It's half decaf, and half regular.  You want two-thirds decaf, fucking ask for it.


Signed,
Your disgruntled barista.

You don't get a free drink because you suck at life.

Dear customers -

I will be more than happy to remake your drink if I made it incorrectly, or if I made the incorrect drink.  I won't give you a free cup of coffee because it's too hot.  It's a freshly brewed pot of coffee, dumbass.  It's supposed to be hot. I'm not making your drink again because you let it sit for 45 minutes.  If I've said it once, I'll say it again - get off your fucking cell phone already.  I sure as hell won't give you a free drink because "the ice cubes are too big".  I don't even know where to begin with that one.  Getting free shit is always a good thing.  I'm not going to deny that.  For fuck's sake, quit abusing the system.

Signed,
Your disgruntled barista(who's seriously sick of your shit).

Welcome to my world. We have coffee.

Dear Readers -

I feel a proper introduction is in order. Call me Valentine. You'll probably come to know me better as The Disgruntled Barista. I've spent a good portion of my adult life working in a coffee shop, and with the public in general. In my line of work, there are always stories to tell. These stories will be presented in letter form - all the things I'd love to say to certain customers, but would face certain termination for doing so.

Before we get started, I do want to make clear that I am actually quite fond of the majority of my customers. Some people, however, have the uncanny ability to fuck up one's whole world - at least momentarily - in a matter of seconds. This blog is devoted to these particular customers. Some of these postings will be based on current happenings in my workplace; others are based on my experiences over the years. It's cathartic.

Most of these letters will simply be addressed, "Dear Customers". Occasionally, a letter will show up addressed to a particular person. Real names will not be used. Instead, I will choose a name that suits that particular person. This is for purposes of anonymity, as well as my own amusement.

So, here I am. Rock you like a hurricane.

Signed,
Your Disgruntled Barista.