Driving Miss Daisy Part II - Daisy's Revenge.

Dear customers -

You've all experienced the wonders of our parking lot.  Yes, it's awful.  We've established that.  Of course, since you all know just how bad it is, taking caution is always the best course of action.

Once again, however, some of you are just too fucking old to be driving.  I don't see any indication that there's actually a person operating the vehicle except for a pouf of blue hair barely peeking over the steering wheel.


If you hear another car honking while you're pulling out of your spot, you might want to stop and see if someone is behind you - not drive faster.  Didn't see them?  I'm not surprised.


In the likely event that you do hit another vehicle, don't just fucking drive away.  That shit didn't fly when you got your license a century ago.  Just because you're practically mummified doesn't change that any.


And to the old fart in the silver Toyota - I saw you hit that parked car.  I was taking out the garbage.  You took the time to get out and see the damage.  I told you to get your sorry ass inside and find the owner, but you ignored me and took off.  Yeah, you.  I know who you are.  I got your license plate number, clown dick.


Signed,
Your disgruntled barista - not the fucking parking lot attendant.

Driving Miss Daisy Part I.

Dear customers -

 It has come to my attention that, much like our pal Gertrude, many of you are far too fucking old to drive.  There are several indicators that can point you to this conclusion.  However, since common sense escapes so many of you, here's just a couple off the top of my head.

 The other day, I found a license plate in the parking lot.  This isn't the first time it's happened.  Those concrete humps at the end of the parking spot?  Yeah.  That's where you want to stop.  Otherwise, you fuck up your bumper something awful, and may rip off the license plate in the process.  Of course, this doesn't occur solely because the driver is too old.  Quite often, there is a fucking cell phone involved.  However, these are usually the people who come back at bitch that our parking lot fucked up their car.

Some of you, however, take it even further.  The handicapped parking sign?  That needs to stay there.  It doesn't work if you run it over.  That goes for the pay phone, too.  Not going to function if it's wedged into the radiator of your Cadillac.

And then somehow, one of you managed to do all three - jump the parking hump, take out one of the handicapped parking signs, and plow straight into the pay phone.  Not only did you have to jump the curb to do it, but make a full-blown left turn after running down the sign.  That, my friends, takes fucking talent.


Signed,
Your disgruntled barista.

 

I see you rollin'. I'm hatin'.

Dear customers -

Yes, our parking lot is God awful. I've been saying this for years, and I'm fairly confident that it won't get better any time soon.  However, if you want your coffee that badly, it's something you're going to have to deal with.  You might want to try to do so like a civilized human being.

First of all - I can't stress this enough - put down the fucking cell phone.  You know how I feel about those things.  You can't handle talking on the phone and throwing away your garbage at the same time.  How the fuck do you think you can handle talking on the phone while pulling your Escalade into a parking spot?  You can barely see over the steering wheel as it is, and I'm sure the sunglasses that take up half your face don't help matters.

Of course, looking where you're going might help, too.  You don't know how many times some bimbo soccer mom has almost backed over me while I was taking out the garbage, all because she couldn't put the phone down for two seconds to fucking pay attention.

And then, don't fucking honk at me because I'm in your way.  I'm trying to do my job.  All you're doing is trying to set up a "play date"(a term I hate with a passion) for little Dylan or Madison or whatever the hell people call their little bastards nowadays.  Remember - just because you drive a luxury car doesn't entitle you to right of way.  I know it's difficult to comprehend, but if you pulled your head out of your ass once in a while, I'm sure you could figure it out.

Signed,
Your disgruntled barista(who is surprised she hasn't become roadkill yet).

Karma's a bitch, and a frigid one at that.

Dear Customers -

There's almost six inches of fresh snow outside.  If you're wearing boots with four inch stiletto heels in this weather, there's a good chance of falling in the parking lot.  Don't come whining to me because you have absolutely no fucking common sense.  It was your decision to wear impractical shoes in the fucking snow.  Like I've always said, stupidity should be painful.  We all see that you're trying to be sexy.  Good job.  Have fun being sexy in traction.

Signed,
The disgruntled barista who is currently laughing her ass off at you.