Happy V.D., everybody.

Dear customers -

This isn't so much a rant about you as it is about this bullshit holiday.  Don't worry - I'm still going to bitch about you, too.

Yes, it's Valentine's Day.  I get it.  This holiday is supposed to be about love.  Considering the fact that so many of you seem to be in marriages of convenience, or just plain old trophy wives, I don't see why it matters.  All I care about is chocolate going on sale tomorrow.  This fucking holiday is about chocolate.  If you bring me chocolate, perhaps I won't be tempted to punch you in the uterus.

I know that tonight, we're going to get a fuckload of teenagers coming in on "dates".  We'll get the girls who aren't old enough to realize that it's a bullshit holiday.  You'll grow out of your pink and red glitter heart phase soon enough.  And then there's the boys, who are just old enough to realize that they can use Valentine's Day as an excuse to get down their girls' pants.  Ladies - it doesn't matter how old you are.  Some things never change, and men looking for any reason to get laid is one of those things.  You're all idiots.  That will probably never change, either.  This will probably not be the great romance of your life, but I think you deserve each other.

I'm not big on public displays of affection.  Never have been.  But please, for the love of all that's holy, we serve food here.  Get your tongue back in your own mouth, get off your douchebag boyfriend's lap, and get your hands out of that poor stupid girl's panties before I feel the need to call the CDC.

Signed,
Your disgruntled(and thankfully single) barista.

Today's PSA for birth control - teenage girls are vile creatures.

Dear customers -

No, you can't have a children's size hot chocolate. I know you're at that delicate age where you want Mommy and Daddy to treat you like an adult, but you're still a child.  However, in this particular scenario, you do not qualify as a child.  You drove here.  I saw you.  I'm guessing that's Mommy's Lexus.  In case you can't read - put down the cell phone, little girl - the menu board clearly says "12 and under".  If you're old enough to give a blowjob, you're too fucking old for a children's hot chocolate.  There's a fun idea for you - just don't do it in our bathroom.

And don't sit on my fucking tables. I don't know where your skanky ass has been.  Two minutes ago, you were practically giving your boyfriend a lap dance in the cafe, so I'm sure I don't want to know. But it damn sure doesn't belong on my fucking tables. You wouldn't do that at home, would you? Fuck you, and fuck your parents for raising you to be spoiled brats. 

Now go the fuck home. We close at 10. Don't call to ask when we close, show up at 9:58, and just hang out without buying anything. Get the fuck out of my store. Go loiter in front of the 7-11 like normal teenagers.

Signed,

The disgruntled barista who never would have behaved that way when she was your age.

The line starts here...not on the toilet paper dispenser.

Dear customers -

Please stop doing lines of coke in the bathroom. When I see three teenage boys heading into the single occupant bathroom at the same time, I know it's either for blow or blowjobs. You're emo kids - neither would surprise me. In any event, you're not as slick as you think you are.

Signed,
Your disgruntled(but not oblivious) barista.